Let me start off by saying that I’ve never cared for the
theatrical version of The Curse of
Michael Myers. My big complaint is
that like The Return of Michael Myers
and The Revenge of Michael Myers,
Michael is an oaf. It would appear that while Season of the Witch was being made, Michael hit the gym hard on his
time off and grew a few inches. Michael went from a normal sized guy to a pro
wrestler, and the reason for this is because of Moustapha Akkad wanted to
compete with Jason Voorhees. Where Akkad went
wrong was ever trying to compare the Halloween
series to an imitation. I also am not privy to the ugly mask nor its size. And
I despise the ridiculous Thorn crap among other things. So, going into this
Unrated Producer’s Cut (originally known as Halloween
666), I definitely wasn’t excited, but I was thinking it had to be better…
Tommy Doyle (Paul Rudd in a non performance), a survivor
from the first Halloween back in
1978, is obsessed with Michael Myers. He lives across the street from the Myers
house where by some random stroke of coincidence some Strodes move in. After
escaping from the Thorn tribe, Jamie Lloyd (J.C. Brandy) leaves her newborn
baby, Michael’s next victim, in a bus station for safe hiding. And she calls
the local radio station to warn everyone that Michael is back. She then gets
driven off the road and stabbed by Michael, and lives. Unlike in the
theatrical, Jamie doesn’t die by getting impaled on a corn thresher. Instead,
she lies in a coma for half the film before being shot in the head. Kara Strode
(Marianne Hagan) and her son Danny (Devin Gardner) live with Kara’s younger
brother Tim (Keith Bogart) and their parents, Debra (Kim Darby) and John
(Bradford English) in the Myers home. Danny keeps hearing the “Man in Black” in
his head influencing him to murder. After hearing Jamie’s desperate plea on the
radio, Tommy finds Jamie’s baby (who is silent until the very moment Tommy
arrives and then starts to cry) at the bus station. He takes the child to Dr.
Loomis (Donald Pleasence), where they form a sort of team along with Kara. Long
story short, the Thorn tribe wants Michael to kill the last of his bloodline,
he and Jamie’s child (yes, Michael is now incestuous), so he can be lifted of
the Thorn curse and pass it on to someone else i.e. Danny. Michael switches
clothing with the “Man in Black” a.k.a., Dr. Wynn (Mitch Ryan), and gets away.
Dr. Wynn, wearing Michael’s mask and coverall, grabs Loomis’ wrist and passes
on to him the mark of the Thorn, making Loomis the new cult leader.
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| Poor Michael stopped by a few frozen meatballs. If we'd known that's all it takes to defeat him we could have prevented all those ass-tastic sequels. -Photo taken from Bloody-Disgusting.com |
There are more scenes with Loomis, and more character
engagement between he and Dr. Wynn. We see how good of friends they really are,
and that’s a plus. Aside from that, I enjoyed the new scenes of Danny being
influenced and hearing “the voice” from the “Man in Black”. Other than that,
absolutely nothing in the film has been changed for the better.
The movie starts with a hiccup that I immediately noticed
and laughed at: Loomis (Donald Pleasence) is narrating while Jamie’s baby is
being handled by the cult. He sums up the past four films, and he ends by
saying “many believed he [Michael] was dead.” That makes no sense. Who the hell
thought Michael Myers was dead? He went to jail and got broken out. Everyone
supposedly believes that the explosion that freed Michael from jail actually
killed him and Jamie. I was immediately annoyed. At about the 80 minute mark is
where you really see this film take a left turn. It delves deep into the Thorn
tribe and tries to offer more of an explanation to the plot holes in the
theatrical, but the explanation is just plain stupid. And, the plot is just as
confusing. Though Michael is a non-stop supernatural killing machine, he’s
reduced to a parody of himself in this alternative take. He’s easily stopped by
putting a few pagan Runes (that look like frozen meatballs) in a circle. This
is the juvenile explanation Tommy Doyle gives to Loomis as to how the Runes
stop Michael: “I think Michael is under the influence of an evil rune [Thorn].
There are Runes of light, protection. If Thorn could somehow be trapped by
these Runes, the energies could cancel themselves out, the evil could be
destroyed.” Even worse, the most eye-roll invoking line is spoken when Tommy
explains to Kara why Michael wants her son. He states: “in his [Michael’s]
mind, anyone living in his house is his family.” It just furthers evidence of
how half-assed it was written and thrown together. Going by that logic, if I
moved into Michael’s house I’d be considered family? Really, that’s the best
they could come up with?
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| Dr. Loomis becomes the new Thorn tribe leader. -Photo taken from whysoblu.com |
In the end, the biggest flaw of all is giving Michael Myers
an unworthy backstory. That’s what cripples it. Same as Rob Zombie’s 2007 white
trash depraved abomination that he calls a remake. The acting can be poor and
the dialogue can be weak, but those things are forgivable in this type of flick.
What is unforgivable is coming up with an origin story that discredits the
character you watch the films to see. I honestly got no enjoyment out of
watching it except for the sake of laughing at how poor of a film it is. This
is not one that I’ll be watching again for a long, long time. I have no need to
waste the time on it. I can see myself popping this in at odd hours in the
early morning for background noise while intoxicated with friends for something
to chuckle at. That’s the only probable scenario in which I’ll be watching this
again more than likely. I guess it’s true what they say: you can’t shine a
piece of crap.
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