Monday, August 19, 2013

COFFIN BABY lacks everything but gore


Synopsis taken from IMDb
Hollywood, California is turned upside down by a series of strange and horrific murders creating chaos and turmoil in tinsel town. One particular victim is kidnapped, held captive and subjected to witness the torture and murder of numerous other victims. It is by her will, strength, and faith that she must survive the ordeal. Her escape seems hopeless and only worsens when outside supernatural forces become more difficult to contend with than her captor. 


This film was brought to my attention by a fellow horror nut, who told me I should check it out. And me, being someone who will give anything a chance, went and watched it. Sadly, I don't have the positive remarks to place on this movie that he did when suggesting it to me. As a matter of fact, I didn't really feel anything but disappointment. I really felt like this picture had a chance to go somewhere and do things, and it didn't.

What's funny about this film is that it's the sequel to Tobe Hooper's 2004 remake of the 1978 film of the same title "The Toolbox Murders", which is about a masked killer murdering people in a hotel undergoing renovations  So, what I'm wondering is, where is all of the publicity for this film? Even though I was never a fan of either the original or remake, I know of a lot of people who are. I guess the filmmakers felt as obliged to make a sequel as it was necessary, so there's an over abundance of laziness when it comes to this film, which includes but isn't limited to the acting and script. This is another scenario of someone(s) making a motion picture just for the sake of making it, hoping to make some dough off of it. 

Honestly, I don't even know the lead character's name. I'm not even sure they say it in the film, and if they do, clearly it isn't stated enough. How can you feel attached to a character when you don't even know their name? There was no story to the characters other than being tortured and watching others get tortured. The filmmakers promised a lot of gore, and they delivered with some brutal and disgusting scenes. But, what's left after the gore and guts settle is absolutely nothing. 

Yet again, here's a film that tries to get it's name out there and known for gore as opposed to being known for a good film. Using gore as a focal point almost always automatically fails for films, and this isn't an exception. Watching a girl cry and whine for the entire length of the movie for some blood and gore, isn't worth it for me. Give me characters, give me story. This movie has neither.

I'd like to credit this film for not only having nothing to offer but gross gore effects, but for having absolutely no creativity whatsoever, not even the gory kills are new or inventive. Everything that is done, has been done better, so the whole selling point of this film automatically drops this one down a few notches. It doesn't have a leg to stand on. 

As I mentioned above, the acting is so poor, there's no heart to this movie. It's my belief that this film was just a payday to the filmmakers and crew. You'd have thought that with Tobe Hooper as director of the previous film that they'd step it up a bit. That's not the case. If you don't put effort into your movie, how can you expect positive responses? You can't just hope it does well and half-ass everything. Making a good movie requires hard work, and it really shows how little work and thought process went into this one.

If I didn't know better, I'd say that the crew watched "Captivity", "Amusement","Hostel", and "Friday the 13th", and just picked out parts they liked and imitated them. This is just not acceptable for a film that should have delivered to the fans! Like I said, I'm not even a fan of the original or remake, and I'm saying this could be better. That's pretty sad if you think about it. 

It would be a lot easier for me to keep listing off things that I didn't like about "Coffin Baby", than it would for me to say what I do like about it, in which there's really nothing. Honestly, I actually had to stop this movie half way through because I was so tired. I didn't realize until the next day when I went to finish it that it's the film that was putting me to sleep. Very dry, very boring. Some part of me can see why some people would enjoy it, it's just not for me. This is the 2nd review I've done in a row on films that I'll never watch again.


  1. Great title. It's too bad that the movie apparently sucks. lol

    1. LOL yeah, as you can obviously tell, I wasn't a fan. You'll probably find it for less than $5 very soon though if you wanna check it out haha.

  2. I started then then stopped it pretty quickly. I really thought he Coffin Baby character from Toolbox Murders had potential, but this mess shows how underrated and bullied Tobey Hooper is these days. I will finish it eventually and give it a review, but more out of a sense of obligation to do a review on it more than the fact I think it is going to pick up as a film at some point.

    1. Exactly. As film reviewers, we have to allow ourselves to take a visual ass kicking from time to time. Just for the sake of saying "I gave it a fair shot", even though we don't want to, the OCD in us makes us eventually give in. I wonder how many hours of our lives we've wasted on watching terrible movies? LOL I don't wanna think about it, it's depressing.


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